Romantic love is one of the most spoken-about topics throughout the world. Most people can relate to a time in which they claim to have fallen in love. Although this is true, love remains a topic deeply misunderstood. It is an event that many claim to have experienced, but yet it does not have a universal definition. People experience love differently because they distinctively define it and therefore establish different credentials for nurturing the relationship. Many relationships prosper but many also fail. Unhealthy relationships often share common grounds for failure. Among the numerous reasons for why romantic love fails to conquer in relationships is that partners often fail to cultivate each other’s qualities to find happiness within each other.
Although it is a term that cannot be universally defined, many people experience it similarly. This alone implies that at some point of its existence, love must share common grounds amongst all people. Love is a connection that reins between hearts. There are many distinct manifestations of love. It can exist as a passion for sport, family ties between brothers and sisters, romantic love for another being, etc. It is this form of love: romantic love, which is most deeply misunderstood. In his book, Tal Ben Shahar describes romantic love as “the passionate attachment between two people” (112). This in many cases suites the description of what people claim to experience; “passionate attachment”. But, not all people reach the same levels of love. Then if not all people reach the same levels of love, there cannot be a universal definition of love. In its more advanced states, love becomes evident in the actions of its bearers.
In describing romantic love in long-lasting relationships, the abnormal behavioral patterns of its constituents will further assess the word’s meaning. A new romance will have both partners do things for the other to obtain a sought happiness. From the moments of its conception, a romantic relationship will establish ties between both members. These ties, or bonds, will strengthen over time. The time-solidified bonds then begin to change the way partners behave with each other. A man seeking the happiness of his beloved girlfriend may write her a poem, knowing that she is very much into poetry. Furthermore, he learns that she likes vanilla ice-cream, so he buys her a vanilla ice cream cake for her birthday. She too seeks to bring happiness into his life. She, just as him, has found inspiration rooting from the magnitude of love she feels for him. In her attempt she attends his soccer games and cheers to her capacity from the bleachers to show her support to the crowd and show him her love. But this alone will not suffice for her. To bring him closer to his distant-mother’s kitchen savor, she cooks him the most delightful meal from his mother’s recipes. These behaviors begin to describe a much deeper meaning of romantic love.
But in loving romantically and enduring a relationship with similar behavioral patterns, both parties must know and understand the other well. Knowing the other constituent of a relationship is fundamental for the cultivation of each other’s qualities. From the previously illustrated behaviors, each member had to have prior knowledge of his/ her counterpart’s tastes, likes, dislikes and all alike. Tal Ben-Shahar validates this idea by stating that “we cultivate intimacy by knowing and being known. We can then deepen our intimacy by acting on our knowledge of one another – engaging in activities that are meaningful and pleasurable to ourselves as well as to our partner” (121). This idea of knowing and being known strengthens romances.
Love ties between lovers should naturally bring about a desire to know and understand the other companion fully. It is then that we use these learned strengths, weaknesses hopes, dreams, aspirations and the like to aid the other partner. Understanding and knowing does not take root in mere superficial question and answer about each other’s character or past. It requires the careful assessment of the one’s character, the analysis of one’s actions and cautious consideration for disregarded details. The process of understanding is rigorous in itself because the investigation will not be adequate from plain conversation. This deep understanding for one another will become explicit upon the discovery of a partner’s “core self” as mentioned by Tal Ben-Shahar. He describes the core self as “our deepest and most stable characteristics – our character. It comprises the actual principles by which we live, which are not necessarily synonymous with the ones we claim to follow. Because we cannot observe a core self directly, the only way for us to know a person’s character is through its manifestations, through the person’s behavior, which is observable” (114). Upon understanding a person’s core self, one can then begin to engage in activities that correlate to that person’s core interests, those that resonate to the traits of his/ her character. By someone realizing that their partner shows fear in taking risks, the other partner will then be led to make less risky decisions to affect the stance of their relationship. A person may have a job offer to move a distance. The other partner will be unable to move along, thereby risking the health of the relationship. Thus, by not taking the risk, he/she will not instill fear into the other and consequently not question the health of the relationship.
Understanding each other will then lead to the cultivation of one another’s character. Here is when the development of a behavioral pattern begins. For now, there is a genuine understanding of the counterpart’s tastes. Then one will develop patterns and follow guidelines created by a desire to achieve his/ her happiness. The desire to achieve mutual happiness is instrumental to the establishment of long-lasting ties of love between partners. If this desire exists without the understanding and cultivation of each other’s character, there will be an imbalance and therefore trigger a failing relationship. A healthy, well-balanced romance overcomes many contributing factors, both internal and external, to the relationship. But with a limited vision and cultivation of a counterpart’s character, a well suited remedy for happiness in the relationship becomes ever more distant. Tal Ben Shahar fully encapsulates this idea and powerfully concludes that “over time, as we get to know one another and spend time together engaged in activities that we care about most, we build a foundation that can weather inevitable storms as well as provide fertile ground for love, and happiness, to blossom”(121).
Work Cited
Ben-Shahar, Tal. Happier. NewYork: McGraw-Hill, 2009. Print.
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