Cultivating Happiness in Relationships (Draft 1)

         Romantic love is one of the most spoken-about topics throughout the world. Most people can relate to a time in which they claim to have fallen in love. Although this is true, love remains being a topic deeply misunderstood. It is an event that many claim to have experienced, but yet it does not have a universal definition. People experience love differently because they distinctively define it and therefore establish different credentials for nurturing the relationship. Many relationships prosper but many also fail. Unhealthy relationships often share common grounds for failure. Among the numerous reasons for why romantic love fails to conquer in relationships, partners often fail to cultivate each other’s qualities to find happiness within each other.

            Although it is a term that cannot be universally defined, many people experience it similarly. This alone implies that at some point of its existence, love must share common grounds amongst all people. Love is a connection that reins between hearts. There are many distinct manifestations of love. It can exist as a passion for sport, family ties between brothers and sisters, romantic love for another being etc. It is this form of love: romantic love, which is most deeply misunderstood.  In his book, Tal Ben Shahar describes romantic love as “the passionate attachment between two people” (112). This in many cases suites the description of what people claim to experience; “passionate attachment”. But, not all people reach the same levels of love. Then if not all people reach the same levels of love, there cannot be a universal definition of love. In its more advanced states, love becomes evident in the actions of its bearers.

In describing romantic love in long-lasting relationships, the abnormal behavioral patterns of its constituents will further assess the word’s meaning. A new romance will have both partners do things for the other to obtain a sought happiness. From the moments of its conception, a romantic relationship will establish ties between both members. These ties, or bonds, will strengthen over time. The time-solidified bonds then begin to change the way partners behave with each other. A man seeking the happiness of his beloved girlfriend may write her a poem, knowing that she is very much into poetry. Furthermore, he learns that she likes vanilla ice-cream, so he buys her a vanilla ice cream cake for her birthday. She too seeks to bring happiness into his life. She, just as him, has found inspiration rooting from the magnitude of love she feels for him. In her attempt she attends his soccer games and cheers to her capacity from the bleachers to show her support to the crowd and show him her love. But this alone will not suffice for her. To bring him closer to his distant-mother’s kitchen savor, she cooks him the most delightful meal from his mother’s recipes. These behaviors begin to describe a much deeper meaning of romantic love.

But in loving romantically and enduring a relationship with similar behavioral patterns, both parties must know and understand the other well. Knowing the other constituent of a relationship is fundamental for the cultivation of each other’s qualities. From the previously illustrated behaviors, each member had to have prior knowledge of his/ her counterpart’s tastes, likes, dislikes and all alike. Tal Ben-Shahar validates this idea by stating that “we cultivate intimacy by knowing and being known. We can then deepen our intimacy by acting on our knowledge of one another – engaging in activities that are meaningful and pleasurable to ourselves as well as to our partner” (121). This idea of knowing and being known strengthens romances.

Love ties between lovers should naturally bring about a desire to know and understand the other companion fully. It is then that we use these learned strengths, weaknesses hopes, dreams, aspirations and the like to aid the other partner. Understanding and knowing does not take root in mere superficial question and answer about each other’s character or past. It requires the careful assessment of the one’s character, the analysis of one’s actions and cautious consideration for disregarded details. The process of understanding is rigorous in itself because the investigation will not be adequate from plain conversation. This deep understanding for one another will become explicit upon the discovery of a partner’s “core self” as mentioned by Tal Ben-Shahar. He describes the core self as “our deepest and most stable characteristics – our character. It comprises the actual principles by which we live, which are not necessarily synonymous with the ones we claim to follow. Because we cannot observe a core self directly, the only way for us to know a person’s character is through its manifestations, through the person’s behavior, which is observable” (114). Upon understanding a person’s core self, can one then begin to engage in activities that correlate to that person’s core interests, those that resonate to the traits of his/ her character. By someone realizing that their partner shows fear in taking risks, the other partner will then be led to make less risky decisions to affect the stance of their relationship. A person may have a job offer to move to a distance. The other partner will be unable to move along, thereby risking the health of the relationship. Thus, by not taking the risk, he will not instill fear into her and consequently not question the health of the relationship.

Understanding each other will then lead to the cultivation for one another’s character. Here is when the development of a behavioral pattern begins. For now, there is a genuine understanding of the counterpart’s tastes. Then will one develop patterns and follow guidelines created by a desire to achieve his/ her happiness. The desire to achieve mutual happiness is instrumental to the establishment of long-lasting ties of love between partners. If this desire exists without the understanding and cultivation of each other’s character, there will be an imbalance and therefore trigger a failing relationship. A healthy, well-balanced romance overcomes many contributing factors both internal and external to the relationship. But with a limited vision and cultivation of a counterpart’s character, a well suited remedy for happiness in the relationship becomes ever more distant.  Tal Ben Shahar fully encapsulates this idea and powerfully concludes that “over time, as we get to know one another and spend time together engaged in activities that we care about most, we build a foundation that can weather inevitable storms as well as provide fertile ground for love, and happiness, to blossom”(121).

Relationships and Happiness Blog 5

In my previous relationship, I sought the acceptance/ validation from my significant other rather than have her know and understand me. I did this, while under the impression that by giving her too much of my inner self and getting her to know my deepest secrets and moments of darkness, I would have granted her access to the most intimate information about me. At the time, I trusted her, but not enough to reveal to her my life in the making. Now, I understand that this was a mistake. I should have told my previous partner everything about myself so that she could have a deep understanding of my character and therefore understand my thinking. If I had opened more of me to her, we would have probably not encountered some of the troublesome moments we had.

The relationship went beautifully for the almost-two years that it lasted. Despite the short amount of time our schedules allowed us to share, we managed to fit ourselves into each other’s lives. At times one or the other would have to sacrifice some things of need or desire. The amount that each would sacrifice would be just enough to allow happiness rather than resentment for the sacrifice of our needs. At times I would feel the necessity to see her, so I would go to her house right after school and forget about all of my other school, family and personal responsibilities. This was a sacrifice that I would have to cope with in order to allow for the spending of time with her. Although I made this sacrifice and many similar to it, she also went out of her way to make me happy by merely coming to see me. The mutual interest for one another’s happiness and will to sacrifice things of importance equally made the relationship last and become one with evenly shared roles of responsibility. Unfortunately, our loving relationship failed to endure the extreme sacrifice we were faced to make after she moved away to college in Geneseo. When she moved away to college, I started my Aviation Maintenance internship with Delta Airlines. At this point every aspect of our relationship became ever more difficult. We attempted making up for the distance with lengthier phone calls and video chat online, but it just was not enough to compensate each other’s absence. The relationship ended not from a lack of love, but from an over exhausted sacrifice for each other.

At this point, now 11 months after the end of the relationship, I feel in the need to pursue another relationship. This time, after what I’ve learned from my previous encounters with love and the readings from Ben Shahar, I shall commit myself to the establishment of a lasting and meaningful connection with someone. The love we all seek is what we see as ideal. But it is not as easy as to say you’ve found the perfect person. As Ben Shahar states in the chapter Happiness in Relationships, “the mistaken notion that finding love guarantees eternal bliss leads partners to neglect the journey- the day-to-day issues, activities, and events that shape the relationship”. As stated, this means that happiness in a relationship will not begin upon finding the ideal person, but rather cultivating their personality and character, learning about them, worshipping the other person’s core self and enduring the journey towards the ultimate currency.

What I've Learned About Myself

From this activity in which we asked each other what we're good at, find pleasure in and what we find meaning in has revealed some thins about me...
     I learned that I am:
-hands on
-mechanically inclined
-a researcher
-a problem solver
-a troubleshooter
-a sportsman
-a writer
-a good communicator
-an observer
- analytical

I find pleasure in:
-expressing myself
-talking
-learning
-trying new things
-traveling
-motorcycles
-airplanes
-socializing
-music

I find meaning in:
-being efficient/ productive/ helpful
-thinking of solutions
-being caring
-involvement
-accomplishment of goals
-leadership
-understanding

Classwork activity- classified as INTJ (MASTERMIND)
Follow this link to read more about what I was categorized as.

http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=5&c=mastermind

Happiness in the Workplace - Blog 4

The ultimate happiness one can achieve in a workplace environment is a self responsibility. Throughout our growth, we are made responsible for the decisions we make. Working at a certain company, choosing to work a job or choosing to receive an education and begin a career is decision that will impact our happiness. And that decision is left to our discretion. At times we may choose to do things we may be good at or have a talent for. But not always will these things that we choose to do for talent will bring us to the ultimate currency of happiness as Tal BenShahar mentions. We often follow a path set by others to receive positive judgement and be a success story to their perception. In doing so, we often times fail to do things that bring us personal satisfaction and success.
Hapiness in the workplace is the sole responsibility of the employee. An employee going to work day by day to a job will reach a limited degree of happiness. In this example, the employee simply attends his/ her job to receive a paycheck. They often have the job from necessity, instead of desire. On the contrary, a person with a career will find workplace happiness and satisfaction being that they've been prepared to carry on their labor. A person with a career has made the choice to persue something they're talented in. Furthermore, a person with a career has defined themselves as someone of greater value or importance and therefore experience an ego boost. Workplace happiness, as mentioned earlier is the responsibility of an individual for the aforementioned reasons among an array of others.

Happiness In My Education- Blog 3

     My happiness in education derives from the continuous cultivation of my nature. From an early childhood, I have followed a guide to perfection created by the fear of making mistakes and the penalties of their occurrence. I was raised by parents who rewarded correctness and accomplishment, not mistakes nor failure. Growing up with this mentality was difficult. When family or guests arrived home, I would be banished from social interaction unless spoken to, claiming that these were manners I had to learn. I was to keep my childlike stories and imaginative mind to myself and hope that somebody demands my voice. Coming home from school became a challenge as I brought home lower than expected grades. I learned at a young age that we must do our best and strive for nothing less than perfection and meeting these high standards will get you far in life.

     This phobia against error is something I have steadily grown into, making imagination and creativity difficult. From these childhood-adopted behaviors, I have grown against open mindedness and have secluded myself into an area void of margins for error. Both at school and at work, I am consistently the last person to finish a task. The reason for so is that I do things exactly as stated in documented paperwork, and excessively worry about the quality, or in my case; perfection of the work. Being a meticulous person as I am has proven difficult. I have also adopted a mentality to worship challenges. To become a more knowledgeable person and more apt to overcome adversity, I have purposely positioned myself in difficult situations. In my junior year at Aviation High School, I was in a sheet metal class where we fabricated a fuselage bulkhead cross-section of an airplane. The fabrication was composed of laminates of metal bent and joined together by aluminum rivets. One part of the fabrication was to simulate damage by puncturing the metal and then repairing it. In my worshiping of challenges, I requested that the teacher give me an abnormal 4 ½ inch length-wise puncture. I thought that this would perhaps increase the difficulty and my ability to perform sheet-metal repairs on aircraft. At the conclusion of this self induced challenge, I found great satisfaction in seeing that I had achieved what others were afraid of doing. From the challenges I’ve purposely brought upon myself, I have reached a greater sense of accomplishment and pride in myself.

     Being this kind of narrow-minded individual has not been easy. In following a perfectionist guide to all the activities I am involved in, I have brought greater challenges to myself. Another of such challenges is that I have tendencies to judge the work of others and not accept it to my quality standards. This has made working in teams increasingly difficult. As I am assigned a group project, I will assume full responsibility of the project’s completion and do the entire work-load in my image of an ideal product. I have done this countless times throughout my educational career. The perfectionist mentality makes communication with others difficult as well, as my rationale is “always correct”. Furthermore, being that I have lived with this idealism, at times it becomes difficult to accept criticism for who I am, what I do etc. It becomes an uneasy situation to openly speak to someone who is making judgments of my “perfection”, as I can be easily blinded to the acceptance of my mistakes.

     In finding happiness in education and life while simultaneously cultivating my nature, I have proposed to adopt multiple new behaviors. Preliminarily, after close observation to my youth-long behavior, I must change my constant urge to talk and be heard, and rather serve others in hearing their points of view. Doing this will bring me closer to accepting others for their ideas and cease the belief of my superiority in train of thought. Not only will this bring me to accept others, but this will improve my communication skills. Being that I have been a speaker for the history of my existence, shifting into a listener will enhance my ability to relate to others. I will become a person open to criticism and hence develop the courage to accept my faults. It will slowly draw me away from the rigidly inhumane view of perfection I have grown into.

     In addition to listening to others, I have decided to give myself a space for error and worship my human ability to learn from my mistakes. Doing so will expand my horizons and eliminate the fear of being incorrect. I will flex my rigid mindset of perfection and strive for excellence with space for error. And instead of learning new ways of emulating perfection, I will seek new ways of correcting my mistakes. I will then destroy the fortress I’ve secluded myself into and escape into reality, a place where flaws are common and present in everyone and everything. Now, I will be more forgiving for what differences I may have with others and learn to accept these differences as degraded images of perfection which I too am susceptible to. No longer will I assume full and sole responsibility of a group assignment. By detaching myself of this unnecessary responsibility, I will learn to work together in groups and be a stronger team player. The aforementioned proposals for my happiness in education are a severe shift from what I explained as my nature, but only after making these changes will I find relaxation and pleasure in education.

     The educational history I have endured has been one to portray Tal Ben-Shahar’s drowning model; one in which I have “suffered discomfort and pain and struggled to escape”. Further proving his theory, I have fit myself into his words when he describes “the situation (the drowning of the student in their disliked work) may be less dramatic for students who do not enjoy school, but the nature of their motivation – the need to avoid a negative consequence – is similar” For my past school experiences, I have created these rigid mindsets that have voided me from reaching the happiness a normal student should find in education. I will attempt the proposed guideline and by such, climax to a previously unknown state of happiness, as the love-making model suggests.

     I have previously worshiped challenges. Following this mentally rigorous diet will be a challenge in itself, but it will ultimately enhance the happiness I achieve in education and life in their entirety. I’ve grown to seek perfection in every aspect of living while ignoring the beauty of our human nature in its ability of making mistakes and learning from them. By doing so, I’ve stripped my life from an inability to cope with error and have never given myself the ability for growth or happiness. In cultivating my nature to become a happier student, I have customized the definition of perfection and learned that settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic.

Happiness in Education- Blog 2

            Education in many instances is the foregrounds to success. From one society to the next, the degree of one’s success is based on a financial status. But in reality, a wealthy person’s happiness is not more real or significant than that of a person in a lower income bracket. This biased perception of the essence of happiness leads us to embark quests for financial standing as opposed to happiness itself. The chapter; Happiness in Education explains the emotional aspects of one’s education.

            The drowning model, love-making model and the state of flow are attempts to explicate the correlation between school, learning and happiness. All three explications relate to each other. The drowning model states that one will complete a task, while disliking the process to obtain an ultimate satisfaction or happiness from not having to sustain the “painful” course of completion. The love-making model in contrast to the drowning model, states that one will find satisfaction in an entire process and in the end result. For example, instead of dreading study time after school and hoping to obtain a passing grade, the love making model in theory says that you enjoy each step leading up to a climax and ultimately find yourself in a rewarding experience. A state of flow suggests that we reach a “trance” where nothing gets in the way of the completion of a task. It is a state in which our complete, undivided attention is devoted to something where we find happiness in. In this state of being, we find ourselves challenged just enough and possess the right amount of knowledge to not feel overwhelmed by the challenge intensity.

            So in establishing better educational institutions, what is it that our infrastructure is in need of? There is no right or wrong answer to this matter being that each student finds pleasure in different activities. Although, there are things to be done that will universally help improve the effectiveness of classroom lessons. The youth may be more attracted to a learning environment that provides them with fun activities. A student may find himself/ herself at boredom when simply adding, dividing and deriving equations. A more interactive approach for the equivalent course material would be solving word problems or equating math problems with real-life situations. Furthermore, a more interesting form of learning for the youth may be activities that provide the freedom to interact with others. Being that the traditional form of learning in the typical classroom voids students from social interaction, a more interactive learning environment between students and teachers and amongst students themselves will help prevent students from falling into a state of seclusion. In addition, people have tendencies to pay closer attention to things they find fun and interesting, therefore creating games that teach lessons will attract students to class material.

            In supporting the drowning model, teachers may provide more assistance to students and encourage questions in class. Being that people are afraid of criticism, they avoid asking questions and being judged for a “lack” of knowledge. This presumption of being judged carries throughout life and ultimately builds on the things we lack knowing and are afraid of asking the answers to. By encouraging questions, the educator builds on the confidence of the student body. In addition to building on self confidence, eliminating the fear of asking questions reduces the student’s anxiety from not knowing the course material and therefore needing to study harder for the same understanding.

            Furthermore, a grand majority of the student body finds itself in frustration upon doing homework. The youth may fail to see the purpose of homework assignments being to further develop your understanding of the subject matter. It is for this reason that “having a clear destination in mind liberates us to enjoy the journey”. If a child entering school understood this concept, perhaps he/ she would build goals and understand the process required to reach the end result. Therefore, if scholars don’t understand the purpose for homework, they wont enjoy the “journey”. Homework then becomes an aspect of class that many may agree to disrupt a perception towards school. Homework to many students will bring them to the drowning model, where they complete it while disliking each step. On a sunny spring day, a kindergarten student will much prefer going to a playground and play with friends than he would like to stay home and learn the letters of the alphabet. A possibility to this conflicting issue in education may perhaps be to extend school days to fit more study time and thus reduce the work load left for home. A young mind, if focused on something he/ she finds interesting may fail to notice the lapse of time during which they’ve been kept extra; proving the state of flow.

            Ultimately, the sole responsibility of education lies on the scholar itself. Being happy or not while being educated is dependent upon multiple factors of which include the student, the educator and the environment. If all other variables are held constant and the educator and environment improved, the remaining factor becomes the student. A measure of happiness is often associated with the degree of wealth one lives in. Although, in our current society, wealth, or happiness, is often times not obtainable without a formal education. Therefore, we must seek the improvement of our educational infrastructure and assist the youth in developing healthier and happier study habits for their future benefit and that of society as a whole.